#3 Getting Started: Goal-setting
Goal-setting? (Yawn. Eyes glaze over.) “Don’t waste my time.” Most of us turn off our minds when someone talks about goal-setting. There are many reasons for this. Let me first address a couple of those objections as they are real, valid, and interesting. (If you are already convinced that it’s a good thing to do, scroll down for a deeply-reflective, eight-step procedure to find your goal.)
Some of us have had jobs in which every year we are asked to sit in groups, do writing exercises, do values clarification or goals for the upcoming year or other tedious tasks which never go anywhere in the workplace and don’t enhance our lives in any way.
Others of us have spent our lives striving, striving, accomplishing monetary or career or relationship goals and now we just want to learn how to meditate, to be in the “here and now,” to stop sacrificing for all these goals. We may feel disappointed because all that striving did not bring us happiness.
Speaking of happiness, let’s talk about that for a moment and how it might relate to goal-setting.
First of all, there is a cultural expectation—especially in the United States, I believe—that we should feel happy all the time, or at least most of the time. Research shows that social media, where people share their “highlight reels,” has exacerbated the comparison game and the feeling “that person is happier than I am, so there must be something wrong with me.” It has led to depression.
Who ever said that life will be positive 99% of the time? It’s natural to feel pain, sadness, longing, grief, anger, frustration, exasperation, anxiety and other negative emotions. Life does involve suffering. This is part of the beauty of existing as a human being on the earth. Without those negatives, we probably could not appreciate the positives. I submit that pushing those negative feelings away, resisting them, is what leads us to true misery. (In fact, this is the main driver of negative eating behaviors. But that’s a topic for a different day.)
Second of all, about happiness and its relation to goal-setting, we typically set goals from a place of “scarcity.” We insist on trying to “fix” something that is broken. Something is wrong with us. We’re not happy. We’re not perfect. We’re not good enough.
But in fact, if you are not happy (or “satisfied” or “contented” if those words resonate better) with your life now, you will not find happiness by accomplishing a particular goal. If you’re not happy now, you won’t suddenly become happy if you lose 30 pounds. In fact, this futile chasing after happiness—tying it to your looks or your bank account or your relationship status or anything concrete—will not work.
People wonder why accomplishing the goal does not result in a life of unicorns, glitter, and rainbows. Lottery winners famously lose all the money they’ve won or simply become unhappy and ashamed. When it comes to weight loss, the vast majority of people who accomplish it regain their weight (and more) within a couple of years.
Why is this? There is a disconnect in identity perhaps. Who am I if I’m living in a smaller body? There is psychological work to be done. If you believe deep down that you are not “good enough,” no amount of money, weight loss, or the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend will convince you otherwise.
So why set goals? I submit that the purpose of having a goal and working to achieve it is not to search for that elusive “happiness” or fix something but rather to get to know yourself better. To discover your own power, your own “awesomeness” as we call it nowadays. To become a self-actualized person. To engage more fully in life. To find out what you’re made of. It’s not the goal per se that’s the greatest value but rather to see who you become as you challenge yourself to become the person you truly want to be.
And usually, it’s scary to embark on this journey. We prefer to play it safe. And this, too, is natural and human as we prefer the known over the unknown, safety over risk. The question is, do you wish to dream bigger and take the risk, on purpose? What’s the worst that can happen?
Another objection to goal-setting is that the whole idea immediately brings up the potential for failure, the dread of failing, or perhaps reminds you of a particular “failure” in your past. Again, this is coming from the “scarcity” mindset. But failure in the past does not predict future failure. It almost always takes multiple attempts to completely accomplish a goal. That’s because we learn things as we go and get “smarter.” There is research, for example, which shows that 85% of smokers who wish to quit smoking make 4-5 attempts before they succeed.
Think about a toddler learning to walk. She falls down over and over and over again before she can successfully walk. After she falls, she gets up and tries again until she’s tired for the day. What if she decided to quit because she was “failing” at it? Really, think about it. When we’re young we intuitively understand the need to keep trying, keep learning. We have not yet developed shame. Or low self-regard.
Wow. Isn’t that amazing? So what if we redefined “failure” as a natural, normal, expected step along the way? An invitation to learn?
That leads to this thought: what if the only way to truly fail is to give up?
So what if we set our goals from an “abundance mindset” instead? What if we start with thinking about the things that we have accomplished, and with the idea that “the sky’s the limit”? What if we have faith in ourselves? What if…we commit to doing what it takes and believe that we have the capacity, the intelligence, the grit to succeed?
So, with that in mind, let’s talk about a method for goal-setting that is fascinating, surprising, and fun. It involves some writing/journaling. It will take awhile, so you may need to spread the writing over the course of a few days. If you can set aside an hour and do it all at once, that’s even better.
Here is an 8-step process to select a goal in a manner that sets you up for learning and ultimately for success. Try it!
Step 1
Make a list of all the things you want in your life. What you value. What you long to have, to do, to say, to accomplish, to experience, and perhaps to leave as your “legacy.” List 25 things or more. Include things you already have in your life. This is to cultivate that abundance mindset that we already talked about.
As you write, think of both the things you already have and the goals you hope to accomplish in the future. Sandwich the future ones in between the things you already have.
Step 2
Circle the future goals in your list. Select the one goal you want to focus on.
You may want to choose a weight loss goal as that’s primarily what is discussed in this blog and may be on your mind. But not necessarily. There are many aspects of our lives which strongly influence our eating such as stress, sleep, exercise, relationships, boundaries, self-care, etc. You may want to choose one of those as they indirectly will influence your food, weight and fitness. Or of course you may choose a goal that has nothing to do with food or body. Follow your truest desire.
Write down your chosen goal, succinctly, yet completely. This makes it real. You will be looking at this daily. Fall in love with the wording you choose.
Step 3
Rewrite the goal, but now be more specific. Quantify it. How much? When do you aim to reach the goal? How will you measure success? How will you know you achieved it? In other words, state the time deadline and the “what” as precisely as you can. Stretch yourself. Dream big. Do NOT worry yet about the “how” of reaching it.
Warning: as soon as you write the goal in Step 2, as soon as you dare to say it, strong feelings will probably come up. Nothing has gone wrong! Fear, self-doubt, shame, self-judgment, are very common. If these emotions do not come up, it probably means that your goal as stated is not reflecting your true dream, that you haven’t sufficiently challenged yourself, that you’re settling for playing small. Don’t do that! Dream big!
Step 4
Make a list, in writing, of all those doubts, fears, judgments, criticisms, and other negative thoughts that arise when you consider your new goal. Don’t stop at one or two, but push yourself to keep going, imagining all the obstacles and things that could go wrong, what other people might say, etc.
If flow is difficult for you, you might set a timer for 15 minutes and write for that entire time. If you get stuck, write the previous item in the list over and over again until you get unstuck.
Some of the thoughts may be kind of sneaky, or subtle, rather than nasty. They may appear as something like this: “I don’t know how.” “I don’t know if it’s what I really want.” “Maybe I shouldn’t.” “It’s probably not realistic.” These sound tame but are severe dream-blockers, dream-stealers. Beware of back-pedaling or playing small. Confusion, as in, “I don’t know” functions as a stop sign.
Keep writing down all the doubts, as they may start occurring to you over the course of many days.
Step 5
Now imagine that you are in the future and your goal has been achieved. Awesome, right? Just sit with that for a moment.
Now go through your list of doubts from Step 4 and answer each one. You don’t have to believe these doubts! Talk back to them. How did the process of achieving your goal disprove each doubt?
Step 6
From that abundant, confident place of imagining you accomplished the goal, state the steps of HOW you got there. What did you actually do?
But rather than starting at the beginning, go backwards. What did you do last? And then before that? And before that? Until you come to the first step you took. (Don’t worry about the exact order, but just write all the things you did to accomplish the goal.) This is fiction. Have fun! You’re making it up. Let it flow.
Congratulations! You’ve just written your action plan! You already know, essentially, how to do this!
You will probably have some steps in your plan that involve skills you don’t have yet. You can learn them. Put a star next to those steps where you will need to learn something new, perhaps consult someone, etc.
As you do Step 6, the doubts are likely to resurface. That’s natural. Go back to Step 5 and answer those doubts with the thoughts and actions that you will harness and use to achieve your goal. Go back and forth between Steps 5 and 6 as needed until you finish the action plan.
Step 7
Read your goal to yourself daily. Reinforce it psychologically by putting it on a sticky note on your bathroom mirror, writing it in your daily journal at the top of each entry, reciting it to yourself when you meditate or while you wash dishes or fold laundry. Find whatever method resonates with your lifestyle.
Consider telling someone about your goal. It needs to be someone you trust, who will give you positive reinforcement and support no matter what happens. As Brene Brown says, it needs to be someone who has “earned the right” to hear your story.
Step 8
Take your fiction action list from Step 6 and begin to turn it into a realistic “to do” list. Write at least the first three steps you will take to move you toward your goal. Stretch yourself, but also be sensitive to how you truly feel. What are you willing to do without resentment? Revisit your to-do list daily.
Try to set up each to-do item so that you almost cannot fail, especially through the use of repeated action. For example, Coach Brooke Castillo tells a story about a woman whose goal was to meet a romantic partner. Her coach challenged her to go on 200 dates in the following year! Imagine how much this increased her chance of finding that special person. And even if she didn’t find them that year, imagine the “strategic by-products” she gained by doing this. She would have learned a ton about herself and about what she wants in a partner, putting her much closer to her end goal.
You might also want to break down your big goal into smaller goals with their own timelines. This keeps you from procrastinating near the beginning and also helps you feel less overwhelmed by the size of the big goal. I suspect that the woman going on dates broke it down into “x” dates per month, adjusting for her work schedule and other obligations. People who succeed know how to use self-compassion by breaking down big, difficult tasks into manageable chunks. The kinder you are to yourself in the process of working to reach your goal, the better your results will be and the more you will love the journey.
Stay tuned for the next blog post in which we will talk more about how to reach your goal, what mistakes to avoid, and what to do if you don’t reach it in the prescribed amount of time. Spoiler alert: it does NOT mean you “failed.”
I’d love to hear from you! Please send all of your questions, comments, and suggestions for future blogpost topics to Linda@RiseUpSlimDown.com or https://www.riseupslimdown.com/contact
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