At the mere mention of the word “holidays,” many people feel their stress level increase. Wait! I thought this is supposed to be a chance for relaxation including time off work, seeing friends and family, getting nostalgic about childhood, and receiving presents.

(I want to say before going any further that I am well aware that not all of us celebrate Christmas or Hanukah or Kwanzaa or other specific holidays around Winter Solstice; but since most of our cultures, North, South, East, and West, grant some time off work in this season, and have celebratory meals and traditions that accompany it, I will just be using the generic word “holidays” throughout this post.)

So where is all the stress coming from? How can we avoid it and truly enjoy the darkest (in the North), most magical time of the year? I challenge you to decide to experience this year with less stress. How? Plan ahead. If you do, it becomes an opportunity to relax and enjoy the special time on your own terms and in fact to practice growing your self-trust and positive self-regard.

This post is a sort of menu (list) of action options that will help you to reduce stress and better navigate your relationship with food. Pick and choose what you need. First, I will give overall strategies that include reflections upon last year, using your calendar, and exploring your expectations and desires. Second, I will discuss practical tips for holiday food situations. Last, I will delve into the psychological realm and suggest some strategies for self-care and handling those “special” people you might encounter at this time of year.

Desires and Goals

 Think about—journal about—“how do I want to feel?” Set your intentions. Commit to it being possible to feel in tune with yourself no matter what happens externally. Give yourself permission. This is the time to think about the “busy-ness” that you might fall prey to. To decide to do less, need less, to choose and create some empty time and space. To commit that you will not “catch” the anxiety of other people around you or allow yourself to become a victim of FOMO. Our culture promotes comparison and overwhelm. You don’t have to buy them.

 Reflect on last year’s holidays (or any holiday year that comes to mind). Examine in particular what you didn’t like, what you care to avoid this year. Be as specific as you can. Include thoughts about gift-giving (budget?) and receiving gifts, and behaviors at parties. Did you overspend or overdrink last year? If so, what do you plan to do this year? Try as much as possible to act from love and not from obligation. Include what you did like and thoughts about how to make sure you get those good feelings again this year.

 Sit down with your calendar and enter all the special events well ahead of time. (This is the time to decide which ones you really want to attend, and which ones you will skip, if possible.) Often people say they feel like it’s just one giant party and endless preparations and gift-buying. That they “might as well” just not think, disregard their usual routines (especially food and workouts), that they must simply “surrender” and start over again on January 1st. You can choose to do that if you wish.

But if you want a different outcome, now’s the time to decide. If you write the special occasions on your calendar, you will see that most of the days are still normal! As a weight loss coach, here’s my best single piece of advice: it’s not the holiday meals which defeat people who are on a food plan to lose or maintain their weight; it’s all the days in between!! Enjoy yourself (in moderation) at the holiday meals and well-chosen events. But stick with your plan on all the other days and you will likely meet your goals.

 Specifically, decide if you want to lose, maintain, or are willing to gain a a little weight over the holidays. First, a word about the scale. There is never any guarantee about results on the scale. Scientists refer to the metabolism as ultimately a “black box,” no perfect, predictable 1-1 correlation between behavior and outcome.

But we know very well, generally speaking, that healthier foods and less quantity result in less weight gain and even possible weight loss. If you are currently on a weight-loss journey, you are learning what results in loss, what results in maintenance and what results in gain for your particular body. Decide realistically which of the three will make you happy on January 1st. Do that by sitting down and writing the eating behaviors you’ll need to follow, on a daily basis and at those parties, to achieve it. Resist the temptation to lie to yourself about this! Remember to factor in your feelings: will there be deprivation? sorrow? joy? What are you willing to feel? Factor in compassion for yourself, but not necessarily coddling. Find a balance.

Then, once you have it all written down, ask yourself, “how likely am I to follow through on this plan?” If it’s less than 80%, you’ve chosen the wrong outcome. For example, if you said, “I want to lose weight” and you’re less than 80% certain you can do what you wrote you need to do, then fall back to the choice to maintain your weight. Same for maintenance. If you want to maintain, but are less than 80% willing to do what’s necessary, you will need to consent to gain a little weight, which you will then probably want to lose in early 2024. This kind of brutal truth-telling feels hard now but a) grows you into a person who can trust herself and b) prevents horrible feelings of shame, self-blame and possible tears in the New Year.

 Set your expectations and don’t be surprised by things you could have predicted! You probably know very specifically what the problem areas will be: more treat foods at work, buffet tables full of tempting special dishes, food pushers, people who comment on your weight (positive or negative), family members who push your buttons.

About the people, do not allow yourself to believe that they have miraculously changed over the past year! Have a strategy ready for how you will handle yourself with them. Know that you cannot change ANYONE. Period. The only thing you have control over is YOU (your thoughts, feelings, words, and actions).

More generally, around memories of food, parents, gifts, and the overall holiday feeling, try not to indulge in over-romanticized nostalgia or unrealistic hopes. They predictably lead to disappointment and feelings of victimhood every time. This is what leads to depression over the holidays. Don’t go there!

Practical suggestions for events and parties

 Decide ahead of time which special foods you will and will not indulge in. The criteria for deciding are typically 1) it’s a traditional dish that is only available at this time of year and has meaning and significance for you or 2) it’s a food that gets a “10” on a 1-10 scale for how much you love it or 3) it’s brought by your special Aunt Susie who loves you so much and shows it through food. (Later I’ll deal with the situation in which you don’t like the food but feel obligated to Aunt Susie to eat it.) You also need to decide which foods are “triggers” or are so-so and you’re willing to forego. On the ones you will eat, visualize the portion size you are going to have and commit to yourself that you won’t trespass over that line but will eat consciously and enjoy every single bite. (If you’re not sure which dishes will be there, you can do all of this in your head when you see the table, but before you’re filling your plate. The guiding principle is: don’t lie to yourself!)

 Before you go to an event, have a nutritious snack, preferably with protein in it, for energy and stable blood sugar. Don’t show up ravenous as this will make it more likely that you overeat. Do NOT tell yourself, though, that you “won’t eat” at the party, as this is probably unrealistic and can be a recipe for disaster.

 If it’s appropriate, bring a dish from home that helps you stay closer to the foods you know you want to eat to reach your goals. You may find that it’s the most popular dish at the party, as other people reveal they are trying to eat more healthfully, too.

 If it’s a buffet, make two trips to the table, one to take salads and veggies and eat those first. While you’re there, you will scope out the table and make those decisions we talked about. Then you’ll return later and follow what you’ve decided to do for main courses and desserts.

 Stay in touch with your feelings! Don’t eat from boredom, anxiety, irritation at certain guests, sadness, loneliness, etc. Remember that for most of us, this is the hardest part. Be prepared to allow for some discomfort.

 Sit down while eating. Standing around the food table, typically with alcohol in your hand, nibbling, usually results in eating more than you wish as you “lose track” when it’s not on a plate. Sitting also helps you register your hunger and fullness cues much better. Actually experience the food, enjoy it, and know that you are primarily there to socialize and that when you’re done eating, you’re done eating.

 If it’s appropriate, wear, or bring, your walking shoes. Be proactive and try to get friends and family members that you like to go on a walk with you. It’s great for intimacy, not to mention how great it is for your digestion. Again, if appropriate, you may want to be in contact with the guests ahead of time (tell them to bring their walking shoes!) and suggest other activities that you’d like to do with them: board games, pick-up basketball, walks in the neighborhood, whatever gets people engaged and away from the food!

 What about leftovers and take-home foods? This is critical, as once again, it’s often not the event itself but the befores and afters which sink your plans. If you’re hosting, do your best to get guests to take foods home. Have paper/recyclable stuff on hand to fix plates and ones large enough to take home whole dishes. In particular, try to have them take the tempting stuff that will mess you up the next day. If you’re a guest, you can use the following sneaky strategy: Back to Aunt Susie and the dish you don’t like but feel obligated to eat. You can say, “Aunt Susie, I love the __________ that you made, but I’m really too full to eat it right now. Could I take some home?” She’ll feel great, and you can give it away or otherwise dispose of it later. On the other hand, if there’s a killer dessert or dish that you would like to eat the next day at home, to replace your usual “treat” (if you are eating that way), you can take that home as a way to feel the abundance that you allow yourself and to not stuff yourself at the event.

A few psychological considerations

 Do not skip workouts! You need them more than ever to unwind, de-stress, and take solo time for yourself. Treat them like work obligations by putting them on your calendar and honoring yourself. When making plans with people, you don’t have to tell them explicitly that 10:00 Friday is your yoga class. Just tell them you’re not available in that time slot and suggest another time. If you need to modify your workouts due to cold weather, be creative and find ways to move your body that can take place indoors, at home, whatever is possible and sensible and fun.

 Consider telling one trusted person about your plans for the season. It helps to say it out loud. Talk about food, exercise, body image, etc.

 When planning get-togethers, try to include activities that are not food-centered.

 If you are someone who does not have clothes she loves, try to work on that during this season. Honor yourself! Without spending money that’s over your budget, be sure you have underwear that’s comfortable and clothes that fit, that you feel great in! Take time and care to look and feel your best at the parties and events you will attend or host. Use this challenging time to increase your positive feelings about your body, consciously.

 Rehearse polite, “light,” but firm responses that you will give to the “food pushers.” These are the people who feel the need to see others “break their diets” for reasons of their own. When formulating what to say, remember that their words and behaviors really have nothing to do with you! (They’re usually trying to make themselves feel better about their own behaviors around food. We can feel empathy for them, but their behavior toward you is unfortunate. Do NOT try to “correct” them.)

 In general, remember that you do not need to share your innermost thoughts and feelings with people. Be selective about this and reserve that level of honesty for people you know well and trust.

 Prepare ahead for feelings you may have about your body at these special occasions. You may be seeing people you only see once a year or less. The unique thing about food issues is that they can be visible to others, unlike problems with alcohol, drugs, internet addictions, etc. You may have gained weight since you saw them last. Or you may have lost weight. All of those possibilities can be triggers for some very obnoxious behavior from certain people. Do not let them make you feel bad. When you do that, you give your power away. Do not engage in apologies or explanations. Remember that none of this has anything to do with you!

This issue really needs an entire blog post to discuss in depth, but for now I’ll say it’s a good idea to plan ahead what you will do if people push your buttons (as I said earlier, you can probably predict who they are). The most important thing is to manage your own emotions internally. Do not allow yourself to feel bad, to “buy” the idea they’re “selling.” You have the option to smile sweetly and walk away if they are being plain insulting.

If you have lost weight, people often want to know “your secret.” It’s usually not a good idea to engage in “diet talk” as often people want a “quick fix” answer, don’t really want to hear what you’re doing; trying to be honest could result in you feeling sort of “ripped off” or misunderstood.

If you are truly into educating other people about the way you eat, one strategy is to post a 1-page version of it on your social media and let them know at the party where they can find it. I personally wouldn’t do this, but it’s a perfectly fine way to handle it. It saves you from having to answer questions at a party!

 Give yourself special gifts that mark the season for you. It’s fine to celebrate, but show yourself you can do that in ways other than food. Only you know what will be meaningful and reflective of what you love about the season. Maybe it’s getting a massage or sitting in the hot tub at your gym, which you don’t take the time to do ordinarily. Maybe it’s a special coffee date with a friend whom you feel close to and enjoy spending time with. Maybe it’s driving around to look at the Christmas decorations.

 To repeat, the “busy-ness” mindset is not necessary. Your time can be filled, but inside you can feel in the moment, “I’m not in a hurry.”

That’s it! Thank you for reading this post, and I hope it’s been helpful.

Happy Holidays! The next post will publish in January.

Also, I want you to know that I am offering deep discounts for coaching packages from now through December 31st. Be an “Early Bird,” and get a jump on the New Year. Have the advantage of individualized support through the holidays.

For details, click here.

And, consider giving a package to someone as a gift, but only if you are certain they are looking for such support and are ready to make a commitment to themselves to do some hard work. (Speak with me if you want advice about that. I’d be thrilled to talk to you!)