#10 “Efforting” vs. Doing

I’ve noticed a pattern in my clients, and in myself, while in the pursuit of weight loss or other goals that require time and discipline. I’ve decided to name it “efforting” in contrast to “doing.”

Efforting refers to a certain kind of thinking that we can slip into. It’s exhausting. It’s effort-full. It produces heightened drama and typically results in disappointment because the goal that we desire so fervently is not being reached. We can feel justified about our correct behavior, and victimized when results don’t come as expected. We might be angry, blaming the diet or the experts who wrote it.  Often, we quit.

Below are some more examples of the thinking going on while efforting. You may not engage in these exact thoughts, but the flavor of them may sound familiar and remind you of some of your own thoughts. I will write in first person to make things more vivid. Thankfully, most of this is in my rearview mirror but I will never ever forget what these thoughts feel like.

I think every minute in the day about what will work, what I should eat. I ruminate. I use will power. I feel determined. I rehearse incessantly what I will do in an upcoming, tempting food situation. I may have great success during the weekdays, ignoring my feelings of deprivation, feeling virtuous, but then on weekends I let go of my plan. I may then feel “I deserve it” or offer up other excuses for stopping my mindfulness around my eating. If I go off plan, I may experience lots of guilt either after I eat the forbidden food, or even while I’m eating it. There may be an underlying belief, “I can’t lose weight. I’ve never been able to before” and then I “prove” that belief to be correct by sabotaging myself. Or I may engage in another kind of resistance which is to keep asking, “Why do I sabotage myself?”  This merely keeps me stuck.

Please don’t misunderstand what I just said: some of the strategies named above are actually good ones, such as rehearsing a future, tricky food situation. But it’s the spirit with which we do these things that makes it into “efforting”. We think that locking ourselves in a mental prison of some kind will result in weight loss. We’re trying too hard. So hard that it backfires on us.

Efforting also involves a time distortion. Humans are impatient. We want the weight loss to happen immediately, and our expectations become illogical. I distort my own behaviors when I look back at my day or week and think, “If I’m ‘good’ 95% of the time, and these three cocktails and four slices of pizza on Saturday night only take up 5% of my week, then I should see a weight loss on the scale, right?”  Again, don’t misunderstand what I’m saying here. I am not suggesting that a weekend treat is not ok. In fact, it’s probably a good idea for most of us. But here I’m trying to describe the thinking of a person who feels they’re working really really hard at dieting, but is actually distorting the math of time and food quantity without realizing how illogical their thinking is. It’s not always the techniques that are faulty, but the attitude with which they’re carried out. And the faulty thinking that accompanies the techniques. We are unconsciously sabotaging ourselves by the defense of “confusion.”

“Efforting” can be seen in other areas of life besides eating and this might help us understand it better.  The classic is procrastination where it’s extremely painful. The person is preoccupied with the task but is not actually doing it. They can’t get away from the anxiety. It haunts them. Although it’s irrational, it’s as though they believe the worry will get the paper written or the house cleaned. But it does not, of course. Only action will take away that anxiety. What’s confusing, however, is that there is also some anxiety involved in the doing, especially at the start of the task.

Another example of “efforting” can be seen in a person who wants to save money. They constantly worry and save pennies but then suddenly spend extravagantly on one luxury item. “Where did the money go? I’ve been so careful!” Again, a distortion.  

In contrast, “doing” does not involve drama. It can be rather boring, actually. It’s consistently performing the actions that will lead to weight loss.  I do not rely on “will power” because I know that it is a finite resource. I use sturdy, steady discipline. And a plan that I stick to. It requires patience, because it’s going to take awhile to get to the goal and there will be mistakes to analyze along the way to make it more effective.

Efforting is actually a form of resistance. Our automatic brain is protesting the restriction of the food plan. It allows me to hang on to the pleasure of the food reward by it isolating it, walling it off, dissociating myself from it. Binge eaters know this: “If I eat quickly, it doesn’t count.” “If I eat in a mental fog, then it didn’t happen.” It’s a profound distortion of one’s own behavior. It’s irrational, but not consciously chosen. And it’s so painful when we “wake up” and assess the damage done.

Another way of distinguishing between efforting and doing could be expressed like this: There are two kinds of discomfort around the pursuit of a goal.

Type One: the discomfort of staying stuck.

I beat myself up. I try really really hard. I distort the truth, without realizing it. I get angry and blame others. With a weight loss goal, I might try to “hate myself thin.”  I often quit, and later look for the next diet that comes along.

Type Two:  the discomfort of growth

I challenge myself. I use gentle discipline informed by compassion and curiosity toward myself. I take a risk. I move out of my comfort zone. I take full responsibility for my progress and my mistakes. I’m willing to learn. I don’t quit.

Thing is, they can both be super-uncomfortable at times and it can be confusing as to which is which. One obviously moves you forward toward your long-term goals. The other pushes you backwards or at best keeps you running in place.

So, when you’re feeling uncomfortable, ask yourself some questions. Determine which kind of discomfort you are experiencing.  As they say, “pick your hard.” Make sure you’re choosing consciously.

Thank you for reading!  If you have a question or would like to schedule a complimentary session, please contact me here. I can help you kickstart your weight loss today!