In blog post #3, I presented a method for setting a goal using a mindset of abundance.

In this post, let’s talk about how to reach your goal, common mistakes to avoid, and what to do if you miss the mark of your goal as it was originally stated.

What is the purpose of a goal? The word “goal” implies a quantifiable finish line. It’s useful to consider the word “aim” as well. An aim is a general direction. When I want to drive from San Francisco to Los Angeles, my aim is to head south. There are several possible roads for me to take, and then as I get closer, I must know the details of how to reach my exact goal, for instance the street and numerical address. As a verb, when I shoot an arrow at a target, I “aim” for the bull’s eye in the center but it really matters a lot whether my arrow goes to one of the areas closer to the center vs. missing the target entirely and landing in the bushes!

So the idea of “aim” in the context of a weight loss or stress reduction goal, for example, is useful because it keeps us away from black and white thinking. That kind of thinking will say there are only two possibilities: success or failure. Win or lose. We ate on plan or off plan. We’re “on the wagon” or have fallen “off the wagon.” These formulations are a trap, as what matters is that we are heading in the right direction, getting closer to the goal, meaning closer to the person we aspire to be.

Having a chosen goal, though, is also good because it gives our always-restless brain a place to focus. It helps us know where to look when otherwise we could get distracted. It’s very specific. After you harness your energies, your motivation, it gives you somewhere to direct them. You might say it keeps us on track.

A common mistake that people make when pursuing a goal is that they interpret setbacks to “mean something” about them as a person. That they are flawed. That they lack drive or grit. That they are “not good enough”. That they don’t deserve to get to the goal. That they are weak. None of this is true. These are just the doubt voices speaking and are a sign that the person needs to revisit those errors in thinking and respond by invoking their more confident thoughts. The setback just “means” that there is a need to adjust the timeframe, problem-solve about the method, and reassess. More on this later.

Another mistake that people make while pursuing a goal is to hold too tightly to it. Not to allow for flexibility. Not to applaud themselves for the small successes along the way. Again, this is an example of black and white thinking. It’s like a winner-takes-all election if the only thing that matters is the very last moment of total success at the finish line. No, what matters is that you keep aiming and keep getting closer. And in the process, the beauty of it is that you learn about yourself. You stretch your limits. You manage your fears. You grow. And you get closer to where you’re going. If I’m heading for Los Angeles and I wind up a bit east of where I want to go, and I’m three hours behind where I thought I might be, I don’t cancel the trip and go home! Of course not. I course-correct.

Briefly stated, you can either use a goal to help you further your aims or use it against yourself. And the fact that so many people use goals against themselves is the reason they hate setting goals in the first place. And it’s why they set small goals instead of shooting for what they really want.

What happens if you miss your goal? Nothing bad! For one thing, no one will shame you or blame you because you are the one who set the goal. Most people are too preoccupied with their own lives to be concerned about what you’re doing. What you fear and dread will happen are the terrible things that you might say to yourself, the judgments. Drop those.

So how do you manage the situation if you miss fulfilling a goal? Here are some steps you might try. This information is loosely adapted from the work of Siobhan Key, a weight loss/life coach who works primarily with physicians.

Step 1

Remember that goals are somewhat arbitrary. They are sort of a fiction. They are a wild guess, really, as to the length of time it will take to reach the end, and other quantitative measures.

There are some things that are out of our control. It’s important, actually, to assess which factors are out of our “locus of control” and which are completely within our area of control. Then we can direct all of our efforts toward the factors we can control. If we want to judge progress, we can set up some measures for our behaviors but we must let go of those other things and allow for them without using them as an “excuse.”

For example, with weight loss it’s easy to see this issue. Our scale weight is simply a reflection of the gravitational pull on our bodies at a given instant. There are lots of factors about our biology and our metabolism that are not understood well at all. It’s not as predictable as 1+ 1= 2. We ultimately do not control our scale weight. But what we do control is our food intake, our exercise, and other factors (like sleep) that are known to contribute to metabolic function. So don’t be confused about which is which.

Step 2

Step back and release judgment.

When you arrive at the deadline you set to reach your goal and you “missed it,” don’t beat yourself up and don’t immediately begin analyzing your mistakes. Allow yourself some grace and time to experience the disappointment, if that feeling shows up. It’s ok.

Step 3

Refresh yourself about why you set the goal in the first place. Why does it matter?

Reassess. Is this goal still important to you? It might not be. It may have shifted as you learned more along the way. Perhaps you feel, “I don’t want that anymore because I’ve changed.”

But maybe the goal is still important to you. Don’t use the fact that you missed the finish line as a way to deny that you still want it. Re-explore your “why.” In most cases, what’s needed is simply to move the finish line forward in time. It’s taking longer than you had originally hoped. Remember that when you set that date it was a “fiction,” a best guess. It’s fine. Keep on working it!

Step 4

Be curious about why the goal didn’t happen.

Now, analyze what happened. You may need to change certain aspects of your method. What part is going well? Don’t ditch that! Are there skills you need to learn that might help you reach your goal? A class, a webinar, a teacher, a therapist or coach? Reach out. Explore. But try only one new thing at a time in order to assess what’s working. And by all means don’t ditch your method if you’re moving forward but it just feels “not fast enough.” Don’t get caught in that thought error.

Step 5

Plan on changing strategy if it’s not working.

If your method yielded really poor results, don’t just keep doing the same thing. Remember that is a simplistic, but mostly true, definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. After analyzing in Step 4, make a concrete action plan.

Step 6

Reset the goal with a new plan.

Restate the goal, revised. Exactly what do you want to accomplish, how will you get there, and when do you want to arrive? Write it down on the sticky notes, recite it daily, as you did before. Again, tell a trusted person. Research shows that we’re far more likely to reach our goal if we announce it to someone.

Step 7

Be sure to reapply the general principle: Use the goal to move yourself forward not to hold you back.

Remember to use this newly-formulated goal to move you forward as a person not to hold you back. Don’t punish yourself, scare yourself, use the situation to “prove” that you’re weak or “not good enough.”

In fact, here you are, creating a new promise to yourself, being strong, showing grit! You are to be admired! Most people don’t have the courage you do to stand in their vulnerability and move forward toward “awesomeness.” You rock!

I’d love to hear from you! Please send all of your questions, comments, and suggestions for future blogpost topics to Linda@RiseUpSlimDown.com or https://www.riseupslimdown.com/contact

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