As with any long journey, the way you start really matters. And when a person starts off toward weight loss, emotions typically run really high. No matter which generation we belong to, we can’t help but be highly influenced by “diet culture.” We are taught many false beliefs and strategies; in this post I hope to deconstruct some of those terrible ideas, one by one, so that maybe you can begin this journey for the very last time, with the idea of it being not a “diet” in the usual sense, but the start of a lifestyle change that will bring you a lower weight and keep you there for the rest of your life.

When you’re at the beginning and you’re thinking, “I’ve got to get going, got to do it fast before I change my mind and lose the momentum, got to clean out the ‘bad’ foods and restrict…” how do you feel? Stop and think about this for a minute. If you’re like most people, it feels awfully uncomfortable, and literally unappetizing. You probably have memories of failing at diets, restarting, rejoining Weight Watchers or other programs multiple times. You probably feel shame. You probably see images of dried out chicken breasts and unadorned vegetables floating through your mind, like a bad dream. You imagine never being able to eat the foods you truly love. You might end up delaying the start of the “diet.” “Oh, I’ll wait until Monday. I’ll wait until the first day of next month. After the kids go back to school.” Why does it have to feel so awful? Instead, what if we asked ourselves, “How can I make this fit into my life, and even—heaven forbid—make it enjoyable?”

With my coaching clients I always promote a personalized, customized approach to their new eating plan. We lay it down, brick by brick, gradually. It becomes “the Cristina diet” or “the Sarah diet.” We are building a plan for what they will be doing for the rest of their lives.

It would be a mistake to take that too literally. That is, your food plan will change often throughout your life as different circumstances present themselves. And the way you craft your plan will give you the skills to know how to change it later, without a sense of panic or being lost or being afraid that you’ll gain the weight back. You are practicing that skill from the very beginning of the journey. This is often called “the maintenance mindset” and it’s crucial.

At this point you might be thinking, “Yeah, but how do I start? How do I put together the ‘right’ plan? How do I know what will produce weight loss? Isn’t that what the experts know better than I?” And the answer is, you start right where you are, today. You design it very gradually, only changing one or two things at a time and you see what works. And by “works” we define success not just by the scale but it must include:

• Do I like my food? Look forward to my meals?

• Does it fit with my work, school, and kid schedules?

• Am I having to spend too much time shopping, prepping, cooking?

• Do I actually hate to cook? Or do I love it? (plan accordingly)

• Am I having to cook multiple meals because other people in my household won’t eat what I’m eating?

• On a night when I’m tired, do I ignore the food in the house and wind up ordering out for pizza?

• Do I always feel deprived?

• Am I able to do it for two weeks and then I “fall off the wagon” and really not want to get back “on?”

In other words, it needs to fit into your actual life and bring ease, not distress. Some of those problems above need to be addressed and tweaked immediately. Bu that’s ok. You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re exploring. You’re looking for a sense of peace, harmony. For most people, simplicity goes a long way.

Now let’s look more in depth at five common mistakes people make when starting a new eating plan. These probably have their origins in the diet industry/culture.

1. The experts will tell me what to do.

The internet is chock full of diet ideas that sound reasonable. All that noise can lead you to feel confusion and overwhelm, trying to decide which one is right for you. It’s disempowering to believe that someone else has the answer that you need. At first when you pick one, it feels great. Like, “they have the answer I need.” But soon you start to feel controlled and angry. Like when you were a teenager and your parents tried to tell you what to eat. “Who’s in control, me or the diet?” And once the dieting gets difficult, you will probably rebel. And that leads to…guess what? Lots of eating and undermining of progress. Instead, trust your own wisdom.

What do I mean by that? If you feel, “I don’t know what to eat to lose weight,” I would challenge that thought. Really? I bet you do. As a coach, if I ask you, “What are the one or two behaviors that you do regularly that undermine your ability to weigh less?” (Pause reading this right now if you wish, get out some paper and answer that question.) Most people can answer it immediately. We know. We just don’t want to know what we know, right?

Now you’ve reclaimed the power. Start your diet focusing on these two behaviors. Leave everything else the same and see what happens. We’re using the scientific method. You’re looking for the “low-hanging fruit” as it’s called. For example, if you’re having two sugary drinks from Starbucks every day, try cutting back to one. Move gradually. But notice who holds the power now. It’s you! There is no one to rebel against. You’re likely to be more successful this way.

2. Everything needs to change at once.

No, it doesn’t! In fact, that is a recipe for failure. So, you’re already working on those one or two behaviors that you identified above as troublesome. In a few weeks, ask yourself, “What are my non-negotiables? What foods, or ways of eating (restaurants?) do I absolutely need to keep in order for this experience to be enjoyable?” Leave those in. If you’re not seeing weight loss, reconsider those later, but give yourself at least several weeks before you tweak. When possible, add things, not subtract. For example, add vegetables. Or at the very least, substitute a healthier option that will satisfy you.

(As a side note, most women are not eating enough protein. Consider bumping yours up for energy and to preserve muscle as you age. I will do a separate post on this issue.)

Also ask yourself, “What could I give up without feeling resentment?” You will find that as you go along, as you have success, you will probably be more willing to let go of more of your unhealthier options. For one thing, your tastes will change. Also, your hunger levels will change.

Don’t do things that are super-inconvenient and believe that you will stick with them. For example, don’t cook three different meals—one for you, one for your partner, a third for your children. Figure out a way that the dishes can be shared, but perhaps you don’t eat all of them and neither do they. Plan as if every day is like your hardest day, not the easiest. Stop trying to be perfect! It must be manageable and realistic for it to work.

3. The more restrictive, the better. The faster the better.

Sometimes my clients will say, “But it’s not hard enough. I must be doing it wrong!” or something like that. They are genuinely worried. We are not “allowed” to feel joyful, satisfied, and lose weight at the same time. Diet culture has taught us that in order to lose weight we must be sacrificing, we must be unhappy, we must be martyrs. (Some of us enjoy the payoff for that--a feeling of moral superiority! When our friends are eating chocolate, we abstain and feel virtuous. We must give up any tendency to like that nonsense! It’s another form of perfectionism that the culture promotes.) The other piece, “the faster the better,” is a trap your brain sets for you. Actually the slower you do weight loss, the better your skills become. And the better your skills, the better chance you have of keeping if off long-term. The flip side of this idea is when our energy flags, we’re tired of the new plan, we think to ourselves, “I’m not losing fast enough.” It’s a thought error. Typically, then, I will resume eating the way I did before, even though logic tells me that definitely didn’t work! Now I’ve given up a slow weight loss that’s working for an old plan that doesn’t. Meantime I look for a “better” plan that will produce faster weight loss, and repeat the pattern once more, now having wasted a bunch of time when I could have been losing.

4. The focus is too much on “what” and not enough on “why.”

Be sure to spend some time thinking, and preferably writing, about why you want to lose weight, how it will impact your life for the better. Some common reasons are “I want to be able to get on the floor and play with my grandchildren,” “I want to lower my A1C and my blood pressure,” “I want to fly without having to ask for a seat-belt extender,” “I want not to worry if I can fit into a booth at a restaurant,” “I want to be healthy for my relationship with __________” “I want to trust myself around food, to feel in control,” “I want to feel good two hours after I eat rather than feeling sluggish,” etc. Beware of reasons that make you “not ok” now and promise a perfectly happy life when you lose the weight. This never happens! You will continue to be you, just somewhat smaller. If you’re putting your life on hold, putting yourself down, judging your worth based on the number on the scale, you really need to deal with those feelings as the weight loss will not fix them. Love yourself NOW and the weight loss will be easier. Trust me on this one. And that brings us to #5:

5. The focus is on which foods rather than the emotional issues that are driving the desire to eat.

Most of us have tried to lose weight before and failed. We know what to do, so why can’t we actually do it? This must be answered gradually and always with compassion for ourselves. It may be deep issues that have traveled with us since childhood, or it may simply be unaddressed stress. And it may be a long-standing habit that develops to deal with those chronic stresses. Here are some typical drivers.

o Stress from family

o Stress from jobs or bosses

o Low self-esteem

o Overwhelm from multiple roles

o Burnout

o Lack of sleep

o Frustrations with parenting

Journaling can be useful, to clarify what’s what. So can a coach or therapist. The idea is that if you actually address the underlying problem, then the drive to eat lessens considerably. If you don’t need the food, you don’t need to harness will-power to abstain from it. For most of us who’ve struggled with weight issues—whether it’s overeating, binge eating, impulsive eating or whatever variation describes you—the urges will probably never disappear. That’s the bad news. But the good news is that the urge goes from like a shouting in your ear to a whisper. It becomes much easier to deal with.

I hope that this post has convinced you not to “go on a diet” in the usual way. Start out differently to end differently. This time, do it for life!

I’d love to hear from you! Please send all of your questions, comments, and suggestions for future blogpost topics to Linda@RiseUpSlimDown.com or https://www.riseupslimdown.com/contact

I answer each message I receive. Thank you for reading.